Well, I've made it through the first week. I'm glad that I now have 1 week behind me, and I can continue to go forward through this time of separation.
The last few days have been hard. Every day, G doesn't come home from work, he doesn't call, and I don't hear anything from him. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday night. I was really hoping that he would be able to call me yesterday, but the day drug by with no word from him. I was really disappointed. I would at least like to know how he is and how things are going for him. Every day, I feel more and more alone. I don't have my best friend to talk to. I'm living alone with my husband 18 hours away from me, and he's under total control of the Air Force. Each day that has gone by is mundane and uneventful. I am totally exhausted once the kids are in bed. When I am lying alone in my bed at night, all I can think is that I made it through another day, and that I'm not ready for a new, long day to start over again. I am overwhelmed and exhausted, and I have no one to share that with.
I acknowledge that I am still in survival mode. I'm doing what I need to be doing each day. I take care of the kids, hold them when they cry, laugh when they are silly, feed them, and put them to sleep when they are tired. I clean the house, wash clothes, and pay the bills. I know what's going on around me, and I know that this is my new reality. What I haven't done....I haven't let myself really FEEL the emptiness. I haven't 'mourned' this new loss, yet. I've only cried a few times, and it was just enough to relieve the pressure. I can feel my sadness and emotions building, but every time they try to surface, I have pushed them aside so I can be strong. I don't want to feel the real depth of this. It's too painful. It makes me feel too...alone...and powerless. I don't want to be reminded that I have 52 days left of this. I miss G so much, and I wish I could have things back to normal. I don't want to have to be the strong one.....
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