10 Days Left...

  What a busy week it's been!  I'm glad it's over.  I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  G is leaving in 10 days, and that fact has been heavily weighing on my mind every minute of every day.  I don't want to believe that we are this close to saying 'good bye' to each other.  I can count the days on my fingers, and that scares me.  It's no longer in the distance, it's no longer x amount of months aways.  10...10...10.  It's such a low number that my little C can even count to 10.  
  I went to get groceries this week.  Such a common, predictable thing for me to do.  Every 2 weeks, I buy groceries to get us through the next 14 days. A lot of planning and thinking goes into this process.  What do our schedules look like for the next 2 weeks?  What meals do my kids eat?  What meals does G like?  Is this meal nutritious enough?  Will this meal be quick enough for this day? etc. etc.  I went by myself, as I often do, on Wednesday evening.  I usually really enjoy my time gone and alone.  G has been staying home with the kids, and my alone time is important.  This time, it was very sad.  I had to keep reminding myself that this will be the last time I need to buy groceries with G in mind for the next 6 months.  How sad!  I love buying foods that I know he enjoys.  I always buy him a few things that he requests to make him happy.  I just tell myself it's the least I can do.  He spends 10 hours a days at works so that I can stay home with our kids.  He deserves a little spoiling.  So, while I grabbed the green olives from the shelf (his favorite) I couldn't help thinking to myself, "He better eat these all before he leaves, because I hate green olives!"  Ahh, yes.  I might end up buying more, just to remember him by them.

   I had to buy him travel sized soap, DO, toothpaste, and such things.  We've had to buy these things before, but I was always going with him.  Now, I'm buying him the things he needs for his journey, but I won't be by his side.  He has to go alone.  That's not right.  That's not how it's supposed to be.  This will be my new 'normal.'  My new normal will be by myself.  We'll be going through the same journey, but at different places, and separate from each other.  

  This is so hard.  This will be the hardest and longest trial that I've ever had to go through.  I'm not happy about it.  I'm scared and uncertain.  I don't know how I will be from day to day, and I don't know how I will cope.  This is not what I wanted.  I don't want my husband and best friend to leave me.  The times that I will be needing him the most, he won't be there.  The only person in the world who I want by my side won't be there to hold my hand and help me through.

  God is faithful.  God has been faithful to me before and I am certain that He will be faithful to us through this time of change.  My thoughts, feelings, looks, and locations change.  G's will all change, too.  Our lives are changing and so is our marriage.  But what comfort it is to know that the God who made me, G and planned our lives and events from all eternity, does        not        change.  God is faithful to His children and His promises and I am certain that He will be upholding us every step of the way.  When I fall, He is there.  When I cry, He is there.  When I am angry and alone, He is there holding me and giving me the strength to go on.

   10 days.  This is what the last 6 months of anticipation has all boiled down to.  I can't do much in 10 days.  I can't stare at him any more than I already have been.  I can't be by him enough.  I don't know what I can do in 10 days to make him remember me any differently.  No matter what we do or say in 10 days, it doesn't really matter.  I know what he's thinking and feeling, and he knows what I'm thinking and feeling.  It won't stop him leaving, and it doesn't change the fact that memories and faces all start to fade in time.  I'm trying to make the best of these last days, but it's hard.  My emotions are every where and most days I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
  These last 10 days will be a far cry from bliss.  But, they will be 10 days of love, laughter, smiles, and embraces.  I will do my best to assure him that my love for him has not changed.  We will laugh, and I'm sure we will cry.  We will hold each other and pray for each other.  We will be forced to let go of each other, but we will also place each other in God's faithful hands.  May God bless us with strength, trust, and peace as we start to say good bye to each other.