Happy Birthday!

"Thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.  

I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: 

Marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.  

My substance was not his from Thee, when I was made in secret,

and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect;

and in Thy book all my members were written."  

~Psalm 139:13b-16a

  These verses have been read and reread by me countless time in the last 5 years.  Today is January 25.  Five years ago, my life was change forever.  My beautiful daughter, who I will call C, was born and diagnosed with Down Syndrome.

   I was working at the Nursing Home and was 32 weeks pregnant with our first child.  At about 9:30 in the morning, I felt something warm and wet trickle down my legs.  I froze....  My water broke.  After I had locked myself in a bathroom, 2 of my bosses finally convinced me that this was serious, and I needed to go to the hospital.  One of them drove me to the city hospital where I was taken to the emergency room to be examined.  

  By this time, my husband arrived and was by my side.  It had only been about 30 minutes since my water broke, and I was already contracting every 2 minutes and was dilated to 7 cm. 

  The first plan was to have me airlifted to a bigger hospital an hour away and try to stop the contractions.  Now, since I was at a 7, plan B was to bring me up the the delivery room in the hospital I was in.  

   Things moved along very quickly, and 2 hours later, our beautiful baby girl was born.  Because she was 8 weeks early, the nurses were concerned and spent a lot of time examining her and making sure she was healthy.  

   Maybe 10 or 15 minutes after she was born, I was finally able to hold her.  She needed to wear an oxygen mask, but my baby girl was so beautiful.  As I looked at her tiny face and fingers and marveled at the gift of life, one of the nurses sat next to me, and changed my life forever.

  "Your baby has several features that makes us believe that she has Down Syndrome.  We will do a blood test to verify, and the results will be back with in a week."

   I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say, or what to think.  How could this be, and what exactly is Down Syndrome?   

  During the next several minutes,  the flight team from the larger hospital took C in a traveling incubator and left.  My labor room went from busy with doctors and nurses from 2 hospitals, to silent, within about 30 minutes.  My husband and I just stared at each other in silence and shock.

  A week went by with many prayers and visitors.  The test came back positive.  My beautiful daughter was born with Down Syndrome. She would always be this way.  She would always be different.  She would always have a label.  

  The weeks and months that followed were met with many challenges, frustrations, and moments of pure joy.  God upheld us through it all.  He was always our constant, even though our lives and emotions changed daily.  

  One thing that I can say in all honesty and confidence.  We were never angry about C having Downs.  Confused and scared, yes, but never angry or spiteful.  

  I knew from the minute I held her and heard the news, that God has a wonderful purpose for her life.  She is now 5 and potty trained.  She can talk, walk, dress herself, count to 10, recognize colors and letters and numbers just like others kids her age.  She is so special, and boy, can she Love!

  God has already used her in our lives.  She definitely made our young marriage stronger.  My faith is stronger.  I am in awe at God's power and wisdom, and I am reminded every day, that God does not make mistakes.  C is not a mistake.  She is not a 'fluke' like the doctors tried to tell us.  God planned for her to be this way from eternity.  C is a beautiful blessing and example of God's purpose in every person's life.  

   I am truly honored and humbled that God chose me and G to be her parents here on earth.  She is such a beautiful and special child, and it has been a wonderful calling to be her mother.  I know God has big plans for her life.  I know she will make an impact on other people's lives.  I'm excited to be a part of her life and see the amazing things God will use her for.  

  Today, I rejoice in the birth of my firstborn.  I rejoice in her differences.  I rejoice in the plan God has for her life.  I rejoice that I am her mother.

   God is great, and today, I am reminded of how richly He has blessed my life!

 

3 weeks...

  This time of year is always emotional for me.  The big holidays are over, and a new year has begun.  All 3 of my kids were born around this time.  Two of them were born in January, and 1 at the beginning of February.  I remember all my feelings of joy, relief, and fear during the births of my kids.  The hardest one for me was when my oldest daughter was born 8 weeks early, and was diagnosed with Down Syndrome.  (that's a story for another day:)

  This year is a little different.  I am still counting down the weeks, but it's not for a pregnancy, and the birth of another child.  Now, I'm counting down for the sad event of G leaving.  It's funny how the biggest changes of my life have always happened at the beginning of the year. 

  I have been uplifted by these verses that I re-found in my Bible last week.

    "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 

   It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassion's fail not.  

   They are new every morning; great is thy Faithfulness.  

   The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.  

   The LORD is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him. 

   It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD."

~Lamentations 3:21-26

   What comfort!  The Lord's compassion's fail not, and are new every morning!  I cannot read these verses enough!  I am amazed at all the promises that are stated here!  This brings me great joy and peace.  I can't imagine trying to go through all this with out knowing that God will be with us.  What an awesome God we serve!

   I can't explain it, but I really am experiencing a lot of peace this last week.  I've been trying not to think about it, but when I do, God has calmed my heart and my fears.  I look forward to continually experiencing God-given peace through all this.

   G and I are trying to make the most of our time left.  We are trying to prepare ourselves and each other as best as we can.  We're trying to stay positive and upbeat.  We are also striving to rest in God's grace as much as possible.

  I've been trying to store every memory away in my mind and heart.  I've been staring at G a lot and trying to memorize every smile, laugh, and movement that he makes.  I want his voice to constantly be in my ears.  It's funny, because in a lot of ways, I feel like we are newly weds again.  I always want to be by him, hearing his voice and holding his hand, and staring into his eyes.  I've taken his presence for granted and I can see that now.  

   This whole process has been a strain on our marriage and relationship to each other.   With joy, I can now say that I can see our marriage being strengthened.  By God's grace, we are bound even closer to each other and we are unified.  By God's grace, our love and respect for each other has deepened.  I am proud that G is my best friend and husband, and I love him more than I could ever put into words.  I am proud that he is the one who will be going through this trial with me, though in a different state, still 'by my side.'

   Praise God for His mercy on us and our marriage!

4 Weeks left...

  I only have 4 weeks left before G leaves for Texas. 

  I am constantly envisioning how my life will be once he's gone.  I'm not trying to sugar-coat any thing.  I'm trying to be as honest with myself and my feelings as I can be.  I am constantly trying to prepare myself for how alone and sad I will feel, but I know that none of such thoughts will really prepare the pain I will feel.  If I come across an uplifting verse, I draw strength from it, and tuck it back in my mind for when I will be thirsting for it's truths even more.  

 "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:  When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burnt."    ~Isaiah 43:2

   I heard a sermon preached on this verse in June of 2007.  I noted the verse in my Bible, and I have gone back to it several times in the last couple months.  I have found so much comfort in this verse.  It is states that we WILL go through trials. (waters, rivers, and fire)  Trials are inevitable.  The comfort that I find here, is that when I am going through these trials, God promises that He WILL be with me, and that my trials will not over come me!  What an Awesome God that is!  These next 7 months will be the hardest trial that I will have ever gone through.  But, I know, with out a shadow of a doubt, that God will be holding my hand, and He will not let this trial over take me. I am confident that He will be walking next to my family and providing the strength that we need.  He will grant us the perfect amount of peace and strength at the exact times that we will be desiring them.  God will take care of us, and I believe that He will use us and this situation for His honor and Glory.  
   Along with praying for peace and strength every day, I have also been praying for God to use and stretch me during this journey.  I genuinely want to be stretched by God, but honestly, I even hesitate to ask it of Him.  I hesitate because I know that that is putting me in a very venerable position.  I know God will be pulling me out of my comfort zone, and I hope to become a better Christian and person because of it.  
  Right now, I'm just trying to survive from day to day, and face my reality of only 4 weeks left.... 

  My husband, who I will call G, joined the Air National Guard this past summer.  He is scheduled to leave for training on February 15, 2011.  I will only be able to be with him for 5 more weeks.  I have many mixed emotions about him leaving.  First, I am very anxious and scared.  I don't know what will happen, or how I will raise our 3 children by myself.  I am also feeling very alone.  G is my best friend and has been my other half for the last 10 years.  I am not me with out him.  I'm not even sure how I will function.  I have never been on my own.  I married G the summer after I graduated high school.  I never needed to be a strong, independent woman.  I have always relied so heavily on G.  He makes me happy, he comforts me when I"m sad, he's always there for me to talk to.  Now, I won't have him for 6 months.  I will need to learn how to be strong.  I will need to be strong for myself, but more importantly, for my kids. 
        I am Learning to Let Go.
  I will be letting go of everything that I am familiar and comfortable with.  I will be letting go, physically, of G for a time.  I will be letting go of my bubble that I've always been in.  I will be letting go of all the control that I think I have over my life and decisions.  I also need to let go of my fears and not let them rule me through out this journey.
  I will be letting go, but I want God to continually take hold of me, my life, and my journey.  I want Him to be in complete control.  I want Him to teach me what is it to wholly trust His leading for my life. 
  This journey has not just begun, and it is also far from being over.  I want God to continually shape me into a different person for the rest of my life....starting today.  These next 7 months will, no doubt, be the most difficult thing I've had to go through.  There will be tears, there wills be doubts, and there will be fear.  I am excited to see what I will be learning through this experience, and how God can change me to be better fit to be called His child.

The Beginning of My Journey

   I've been waiting for the perfect day to start writing in my journal.  I finally decided that the perfect day will never come, and each day that I let pass is another missed opportunity for me to record my feelings.  So, here I go!  I certainly do not consider this the first day of my journey, but it is a place to start.  There has been alot of hesitancy on my part to start this journal.  By writing down my feelings and the events that happen in my life, I am forced to look at them as truth.  This is not just in my head anymore, and I cannot just push them aside and pretend that my feelings are not valid or real.  Now, I have to stare my fear in the face.  I can either let it swallow me up, or let it shape me into a better person.  I need to conquer the fear that I have and become that stronger person that I've wanted to be for years.