Week 5

  Yesterday morning, I woke up happy knowing that I would be getting time away from the kids, and some much needed alone time.  I had my hair and make up done by 10:00am and I anxiously awaited my relief that came at 2:00.  
  I did a little shopping at a second hand store in a near by town.  I then continued my journey to another town about 15 more miles away.  I spent a little time wandering in an Antique store looking for nothing in particular.  The only thing I did find, was loneliness...in every isle, in every corner, in every step and word not spoken.  I didn't have G there to share my thoughts with.  I didn't have my best friend there to walk with and hold my hand.  When I turned to the side, he wasn't there for me to smile at.  He wasn't there with me to make more memories or more inside jokes.   
  I left the Antique store sad and empty.  I drove around town for a while to see different things, and look at big, beautiful, old houses.  I was hoping to feel some happiness, but all I wanted to do was tell G ideas that I came up with for our own house.  To take up a little more time, I went to another store in town that G and I always enjoy stopping at.  We always say to each other, "You never know what you'll find, or what will be on sale." 
  I found some cute zip-up hoodies to try on.  The store was not large or busy, and the only dressing room required a worker to unlock it.  I didn't want to bother anyone, so I just tried the hoodies on over my shirt outside of the dressing room.  As I was admiring how they fit and looking in the mirror, I felt it again...the loneliness...the emptiness.  G was not there to tell me how they looked on me.  He was not there to smile at me and say, "If that's what you want, then we'll get it.  It looks cute on you!"
  In that moment, when I was staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like time stood still and I was the only person there.  The music stopped, and all I could hear was my own breathing and my heart breaking.  I was able to truly say and believe what I've known to be true for the last 10 years.  
   
                                   "Nothing matters but you." 
   
  These things don't matter.  This trip doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what store I'm in, or how much money I spend.  It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in a smelly old gas station watching bugs crawl across the floor, or fine dining in the most expensive restaurant around and being waited on hand and foot.  What matters is who I'm with.  What matters is being with my Best Friend, my Husband.  Money, situations, or places mean nothing if you're not with the person you love.  I can say honestly now, that I would do anything and go to the ends of the earth just to be with the man that I love.  We could be living in a shack in Alaska cold and hungry, or living in our home that we live in now, warm and comfy.  It doesn't matter where, just as long as we're together. 

  I left the store with my 1 item, and I drove toward home.  I did stop for supper at a neighboring town.  I debated whether I should eat alone or not, but reminded myself that I was strong and confident enough to eat alone in public.  So, I took a seat in the furthest corner and faced the windows, and quietly ate my meal.  I couldn't help but think of G and dream about being with him again in 3 weeks.  Once my food was gone, I just sat there looking out the window.  I thought about our good memories, or kids, and our future.  I could feel the emotion creeping up my throat, and I started to cry...silently....by myself....at my corner table.  Oh, how I miss him!  I love him more than I could ever say, and I ache for him. 

  When I had composed myself, I left.  I drove home and picked up the mail before heading into the house.  There, in the middle of the stack, was a hand-written envelope from G.  My heart lurched, and I started to cry and to shake.  I quickly came in the house and found quietness in our bedroom to read the 1st letter in 5 weeks from G.  I cried, laughed, and smiled through all 6 pages of the most beautiful hand writing.  What an amazing feeling!  I felt that connection again, and I felt like I wasn't quite so alone anymore.  

  Parts of his letters:

  "I wish that I could be there to comfort you, but I can't be, so I have to trust in God to give that to you.  Hun, you know that I love you, more than anything.  I want you to stay strong, and lean on He who has never let us down.  I love you more than I can ever say or express to you and I miss you sooooo much!  I can't wait to see you again!  Love, G"
  "I think about you all the time.  I'm so proud of how well you're holding up.  I know that God is giving you the strength and I'm so thankful.  I always knew that you could be strong and how great of a mother and wife that you are.  I think that you needed to see it, too.  I hope that you do.  I'm soooo looking forward to seeing you again!"

Rest...

  I see it has been 2 weeks since I last posted an entry.  I'm not sure why it's been so long.  I have been really busy.  I think a lot of the reason is because I couldn't write about how well I was doing, because I haven't been doing well.  It has been really tough, and each week that goes by seems to be harder and harder.  I didn't want to be honest and write how hard it's been, or how I feel overwhelmed  and exhausted.  I wanted to be the strong one who could survive every day with out any problems.  The truth is, I'm not strong.  I have been struggling every day.  I do feel like I'm drowning.  I'm ok to admit that today, but in a few days that probably won't be the case.
  Last week Sunday I was able to talk to G again.  It was really hard because we only had 15 minutes to talk.  I felt like I had waited the whole week to hear from him and feel uplifted by his voice.  When our 15 minutes were up, and he quickly hung up, I didn't feel uplifted.  Instead, I felt let down and discouraged.  Now, I had to wait another whole week for a phone call...for any contact from him.  How disappointing.
  Last week went decent.  Some days were better than others.  Every day I Miss him more and more.  Every day I Love him more and more.  Every day, my load and responciblity feels heavier and heavier.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep living and raising 3 little kids by myself anymore.  I feel like I'm starting to fail, and that I can't keep up with what life is expecting of me.  I am drained.
  That's why I haven't been writing.  I don't want to be the one who can't keep it together anymore.   
  But.....God is Faithful.  Last night, when I felt like I could take no more, and I didn't know where to turn, I turned to the Lord...again, and found strength and REST in His promises.

 "I have set the LORD always before me; 

because He is at my right hand, 

I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth; 

my flesh also shall REST in Hope.

Thou wilt shew me the path of life; 

in Thy presence is fulness of joy;

at Thy right hand there are pleasures for ever more." 

~Psalm 16:8-9, 11

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you REST.  

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; 

and ye shall find REST unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

~Matthew 11:28-30

"My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee REST."

~Exodus 33:14

   I fell asleep with these promises in my heart.  The Lord will bless me with the strength and Rest that I need and desire.  I just need to humble myself before Him, confess my weaknesses (they are many!), and ask for His help.  I am thankful beyond words that God is Faithful to me, even when I am not faithful to Him.  "Great is Thy Faithfulness!"

   So, for today, I am at peace, and I have the strength I need to carry on for the day.  God's mercies are new every morning. (Lamen. 3:23)

 We Love you, Daddy!  Come home soon!

The Silence is Broken!!

  It finally happened!  After 19 days of silence, G was finally able to contact me!  I feel like I had reached the end of my rope of not hearing anything from G.  Day after disappointing day, there was no mail, and no phone call from G.  Saturday, I was feeling particularly down.  I was really missing him, and wasn't sure how I was going to make another week without hearing from him.  
  I had been hoping to hear from him all day, and I even had my cell phone on me in church so I wouldn't miss a call.  I was getting ready to take a little nap yesterday after noon, and the phone rings.  I held my breath.  Could it really be?!?  I picked up the phone and offered my regular, "Hello, De Jongs."  I heard silence for a few seconds, and then the most glorious sound.  "Hi, Hunny!"
  The next 30 minutes was the best I'd had in the last 3 weeks.  It was filled with smiles, tears, "I love yous" and "I miss yous."  It was completely amazing to hear his voice again after 19 days of silence, and not knowing anything about him or what he was doing.  The call could not have come at a more needed time for both of us.  The last time that I did hear his voice, was on February 15, the night he flew into Texas.  The last thing he said to me was, "I love you, Hunny!"  It has surprised me how many times those 4 words replayed in my head.  It's like I needed to remind myself that he really did love me, and that our marriage was still real, and that he was still real.  
  Now, I feel like a giddy teenager.  It feels like we are dating again, and that we aren't allowed to see each other.  It's kinda' like our count down to see each other again, is like the count down we had until our wedding day.  I feel kinda' silly, but I'm getting all the butterfly feelings again when I think of him, and when I realize that this amazing man loves me back.  I am so in love with this man, and I am so proud of him!  He is my world, and I am proud to be his wife! :)  I am re energised to go on for another week, or however long it takes to hear from him again.  Praise the Lord for our reconnection!  Praise the Lord for His sustaining hand on our family during our separation!  And most of all, Praise the Lord for His Faithfulness to us!
  
   Here are some other things that make me happy :D

The fun dress I bought and plan to wear when I visit G in Texas when he graduates :)

The last text I received from G.  He calls me "Shade of My Heart."  It's a very personal, lovely name he calls me, and it has a deep meaning behind it....that I will keep between G and I :)

Dried plant from outside.  G made the metal "S" with his forge and anvil.  (He loves metal working)

The Decorating I did above our kitchen cabinets.  Most of the decorations have alot of meaning to me.  (Left to right...Decor 1--Metal flowers made by G, and glass bottle found in the attic of our house.  Decor 2--Flowers were my wedding bouquet.  Decor 5--Candle stand from our Unity candle, and wrapping is extra fabric from my wedding dress.  Decor 6--{can't see in this picture} Bobble Head that looks just like G. :)  Decor 7--Picture of G and I taking wedding pictures on our 4 year anniversary.  Decor 8--Ammo wooden box that belonged to G's Grandfather.)

This was my Saturday project!  It now hangs on my wall in our Family room, above pictures of our family. :)  Yay, me!

 

 

 

 

2 weeks with out

   It's been 2 weeks since I said good-bye to G.  I'm glad I made it to 2 weeks.  I am starting to ease into a routine, and I'm 'used' to being alone, now.  I'm not expecting G to call me at noon.  I'm not expecting G to walk through to door at 6:00pm.  I'm not expecting him to help me with the kids, or for him to read the kids a story at bedtime.  I don't expect him to start the van so it can warm up before we leave for church.  I don't expect him to feed the dogs at bedtime.  And most sadly of all, I don't expect him to be laying in bed waiting for me...waiting for our usual pillow talk. 

  Life has gone on, one day at a time.  Time did not stop, and life's expectations did not change just because G left.  It's strange how much I actually got 'used' to, all of a sudden.  I miss G terribly, but I have already learned and adjusted to the role of being a single parent.  I look at pictures of G all the time, but already, his memory is not as clear in my mind.  I'm starting to forget how his voice sounds when he says my name.  (He rarely called me by my name, anyway.)  I'm forgetting the look in his eyes when he stares at me.  I'm forgetting how his hand feels in mine, and how he sings (off tune) in church. 

   I'm finding out very quickly that I am not a Super-Mom.  I don't do it all, and I can't.  I don't always say or do the right things, and I know that I fail in several areas of each day.  But more importantly, I've learned that it's ok to not be perfect.  Right now, I'm just surviving.

  It's ok for me to....

.....cry on the floor when I hear a song that reminds me of him and the times when we were still dating.

.....run my fingers on the envelope that he wrote on, as if trying to feel where his hands were a couple days ago.

.....watch a video he recorded for me before he left and count how many times he says that he loves me. (7)

.....run to the mail box every day hoping that I received mail from him.

.....go to bed while the house is still a mess.

.....break down in the kitchen while the kids are taking a bath together.

.....keep one of G's work shirts in my bed so I can smell it/him every night.

    It's been 14 days, and I have not received any word from G.  Each day, it's a little more disappointing.  I feel a little more alone, and a little more disconnected from G.  Right now, our relationship feels very one-sided.  I've been writing him letters every day, and telling him how life is over here, but I have no idea how he is doing or what he is doing.  Like I've said every day for the past 14 days, maybe tomorrow I will finally hear from him.