2 weeks with out

   It's been 2 weeks since I said good-bye to G.  I'm glad I made it to 2 weeks.  I am starting to ease into a routine, and I'm 'used' to being alone, now.  I'm not expecting G to call me at noon.  I'm not expecting G to walk through to door at 6:00pm.  I'm not expecting him to help me with the kids, or for him to read the kids a story at bedtime.  I don't expect him to start the van so it can warm up before we leave for church.  I don't expect him to feed the dogs at bedtime.  And most sadly of all, I don't expect him to be laying in bed waiting for me...waiting for our usual pillow talk. 

  Life has gone on, one day at a time.  Time did not stop, and life's expectations did not change just because G left.  It's strange how much I actually got 'used' to, all of a sudden.  I miss G terribly, but I have already learned and adjusted to the role of being a single parent.  I look at pictures of G all the time, but already, his memory is not as clear in my mind.  I'm starting to forget how his voice sounds when he says my name.  (He rarely called me by my name, anyway.)  I'm forgetting the look in his eyes when he stares at me.  I'm forgetting how his hand feels in mine, and how he sings (off tune) in church. 

   I'm finding out very quickly that I am not a Super-Mom.  I don't do it all, and I can't.  I don't always say or do the right things, and I know that I fail in several areas of each day.  But more importantly, I've learned that it's ok to not be perfect.  Right now, I'm just surviving.

  It's ok for me to....

.....cry on the floor when I hear a song that reminds me of him and the times when we were still dating.

.....run my fingers on the envelope that he wrote on, as if trying to feel where his hands were a couple days ago.

.....watch a video he recorded for me before he left and count how many times he says that he loves me. (7)

.....run to the mail box every day hoping that I received mail from him.

.....go to bed while the house is still a mess.

.....break down in the kitchen while the kids are taking a bath together.

.....keep one of G's work shirts in my bed so I can smell it/him every night.

    It's been 14 days, and I have not received any word from G.  Each day, it's a little more disappointing.  I feel a little more alone, and a little more disconnected from G.  Right now, our relationship feels very one-sided.  I've been writing him letters every day, and telling him how life is over here, but I have no idea how he is doing or what he is doing.  Like I've said every day for the past 14 days, maybe tomorrow I will finally hear from him.