I did a little shopping at a second hand store in a near by town. I then continued my journey to another town about 15 more miles away. I spent a little time wandering in an Antique store looking for nothing in particular. The only thing I did find, was loneliness...in every isle, in every corner, in every step and word not spoken. I didn't have G there to share my thoughts with. I didn't have my best friend there to walk with and hold my hand. When I turned to the side, he wasn't there for me to smile at. He wasn't there with me to make more memories or more inside jokes.
I left the Antique store sad and empty. I drove around town for a while to see different things, and look at big, beautiful, old houses. I was hoping to feel some happiness, but all I wanted to do was tell G ideas that I came up with for our own house. To take up a little more time, I went to another store in town that G and I always enjoy stopping at. We always say to each other, "You never know what you'll find, or what will be on sale."
I found some cute zip-up hoodies to try on. The store was not large or busy, and the only dressing room required a worker to unlock it. I didn't want to bother anyone, so I just tried the hoodies on over my shirt outside of the dressing room. As I was admiring how they fit and looking in the mirror, I felt it again...the loneliness...the emptiness. G was not there to tell me how they looked on me. He was not there to smile at me and say, "If that's what you want, then we'll get it. It looks cute on you!"
In that moment, when I was staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like time stood still and I was the only person there. The music stopped, and all I could hear was my own breathing and my heart breaking. I was able to truly say and believe what I've known to be true for the last 10 years.
"Nothing matters but you."
These things don't matter. This trip doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what store I'm in, or how much money I spend. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in a smelly old gas station watching bugs crawl across the floor, or fine dining in the most expensive restaurant around and being waited on hand and foot. What matters is who I'm with. What matters is being with my Best Friend, my Husband. Money, situations, or places mean nothing if you're not with the person you love. I can say honestly now, that I would do anything and go to the ends of the earth just to be with the man that I love. We could be living in a shack in Alaska cold and hungry, or living in our home that we live in now, warm and comfy. It doesn't matter where, just as long as we're together.
I left the store with my 1 item, and I drove toward home. I did stop for supper at a neighboring town. I debated whether I should eat alone or not, but reminded myself that I was strong and confident enough to eat alone in public. So, I took a seat in the furthest corner and faced the windows, and quietly ate my meal. I couldn't help but think of G and dream about being with him again in 3 weeks. Once my food was gone, I just sat there looking out the window. I thought about our good memories, or kids, and our future. I could feel the emotion creeping up my throat, and I started to cry...silently....by myself....at my corner table. Oh, how I miss him! I love him more than I could ever say, and I ache for him.
When I had composed myself, I left. I drove home and picked up the mail before heading into the house. There, in the middle of the stack, was a hand-written envelope from G. My heart lurched, and I started to cry and to shake. I quickly came in the house and found quietness in our bedroom to read the 1st letter in 5 weeks from G. I cried, laughed, and smiled through all 6 pages of the most beautiful hand writing. What an amazing feeling! I felt that connection again, and I felt like I wasn't quite so alone anymore.
Parts of his letters:
"I wish that I could be there to comfort you, but I can't be, so I have to trust in God to give that to you. Hun, you know that I love you, more than anything. I want you to stay strong, and lean on He who has never let us down. I love you more than I can ever say or express to you and I miss you sooooo much! I can't wait to see you again! Love, G""I think about you all the time. I'm so proud of how well you're holding up. I know that God is giving you the strength and I'm so thankful. I always knew that you could be strong and how great of a mother and wife that you are. I think that you needed to see it, too. I hope that you do. I'm soooo looking forward to seeing you again!"
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