Struggling...

  So, life back in Iowa has been interesting.  It was easy to adjust back to my normal schedule, and I love being in my own house and space again.  The difficult part has been how much I miss California and what I had there.  I miss the beaches, the mild weather, the little church, the friends, the smell in the air...and most of all, the reason I was there in the first place...Grant.  If I could, I would quickly exchange the corn fields for the beaches and ocean, and I would exchange seeing my family and friends for being with my Husband.  'Home' is not home right now.  There is so much missing here.  The house is still quiet when the kids are in bed for the night, my big bed is still empty, I'm still putting the kids to bed alone, meal times are still a struggle and I still either play music or get up constantly so I don't just sit there missing him, his white car still does not come down the driveway at 6, his voice and laughter are still nowhere to be found here, his boots aren't laying around, his clothes aren't scattered around in the bathroom, his smell and his touches...are gone.  This is my house...but it is not a home right now.
  I have continued to have a smooth schedule and a good handle on day to day activities.  The kids are fed, safe, and go to bed on time.  What I'm struggling with now, is just trying to keep my head above water.  Burned out doesn't even being to describe how I feel.  Overwhelmed, overloaded, mentally exhausted and drained, alone...that's more like it.  I just can't handle this any more.  I'm ready to snap...but I still have 2 more weeks to muddle through.      
   Two weeks...that's all I have left.  I don't hardly dare let myself believe it, because it feels like it couldn't possibly be true.  Grant has been gone for so long, it feels like a terribly mean trick to tell me I will get to have him all to myself in only 2 weeks.  There will be alot of adjustments, I'm sure.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for him to be in my "space" again.  This has been my little Kingdom where I have had all the control for the last 6.5 months, and I know it will take a little while for me to step down from being the top dog.  It's crazy, because even though I miss him fiercely and can't wait for him to be here, there is a little part in my head that says, "Wait! I'm not ready yet!  There is so much more that I wanted to accomplish while he was gone...."  Now, this doesn't make sense at all, because in reality, do I really think Grant will care that I didn't paint more, or decorate a little more thoroughly, or keep the house a little cleaner?  I think I just wanted to accomplish more so I could show him that I was ok enough while he was gone for me to tackle extra projects.  But, the truth is, I haven't been ok.  I haven't had motivation to paint, or even to cook most days.  In the mornings I lay in bed dreading another day to start again.  I say in my head, "No, I'm not ready to get up!  I'm not ready to face the kids again and deal with the screaming, fighting, and tantrums.  I'm not ready to trudge through another day and go through the motions while my mind is a thousand miles away and 2 years in the future...."  But, every day I get up, get the kids and start my daily routine all over again.  What makes me happy is to have the kids in bed at night, to breathe a huge sigh of relief, and to sit in the quiet while I mark off another day on my calendar.

Back in Iowa

  The last weekend that we shared together was so fun, and beautiful.  We enjoyed several beaches and hours of talking about our future and our feelings on the up coming separation.  We had many laughs, many tears (from me...) and made some last beautiful memories as a family. 
  I was expecting our final good-bye to be painful and filled with tears and sobbing, but it was quiet and some what...normal. Of course I was still sad, and it was hard to hug him for the last time...again, and let him go as I watched him walk away, but it wasn't the first time I had to let go, and I might have become some what "used" to it.  Even now, a week and a half later, I don't think it has totally sunk in, yet.  I was seeing him every day for 6 weeks, and now, I'm alone again.
  The next morning, after the van was packed and we all (me, the kids, and G's cousin and wife) had gone to the bathroom, we slowly drove away....away from the apartment I lived in for 4 weeks, away from the familiar roads, away from G's squadron, away from the parks the kids and I spent hours at, away from the safe, gated Navy base, away from the beautiful beach where the sand and the waves and the smell were my familiar friends and companions, away from the city that became my own, away from the friends I made....and away from my Best Friend, my companion, my beautiful husband.  That was the point where every mile we drove, was 1 more mile in between us.  I worked so hard to get to California, to be together as a family, to be side by side with my Best Friend, and now, mile by mile, I was being slowly ripped away.

   The trip back to Iowa was slow, hot, and beautiful.  We were able to stop at the Grand Canyon the second day.  It was Breath Taking!!  It was soooo unimaginably huge, and beautiful!  What an honor it was to experience one of the most fascinating places on earth.  It was very humbling.  The God that perfectly created that Canyon, so grand and breath taking, also created me, so frail and weak and sinful.  "How Great Thou Art, How Great Thou Art!"  The only thing that was missing, was that G was not standing there with me, holding my hand, and smiling at God's majesty with me.  Hopefully some day we can go back there together. 
   That night, we made it to Alamosa, CO and stayed with some of G's family that lives there.  That really was fun to spend time with them, and have a larger break from driving.  A day and a half later, through many crackers, candy, potty breaks, movies, naps, and laughs, we finally arrived at home.  

Me & my Hunny on our last night.  We're at the beach...yeah, too dark to see that :)

One of the Beautiful beaches we spent time at.

I took casserole along again.  I had to warm it up at a gas station in the big cups, and I provided my own drink....while we ate in front of Arby's :)

4 corners!  It was neat to see...but super HOT!!

Beauty in Southern Colorado.

Beauty in Arizona.

Grand Canyon!!

Another casserole for our meal.  I'm standing in front of Taco Bell where we ate, but I had to walk to the Mobil Gas station to warm the food up.  A guy working in the gas station was friendly, but kept ending his sentences with, "Bummer, Dude!" :) This was in Needles, CA which is right at the border before Arizona.

Last weekend as a Family :(

 (Written July 6)

  This weekend was the last weekend that we were able to be together as a family.  Thankfully, it was a long weekend (G had Saturday through Tuesday off :) and we made a lot of great memories and went to some beautiful places.  On Saturday we drove SE along the coast to Malibu and Santa Monica.  The drive was breath taking!  The Santa Monica mountains were to our North, and the ocean was to our South.  What a beautiful display of God's handiwork!  I feel honored that I was able to experience it...along with my best friend. :) 
   The Santa Monica Pier was huge and beautiful, but soooo crowded!  It took about 20 minutes to just find a parking spot for the van.  Then, it took forever just to get us and the kids ready enough that we could go to the Pier.  I changed into my swimming suit in the back of the van while sitting in a car seat, we packed some necessities in a back pack, and all 3 kids went potty in the little potty that has been living in the van since we left Iowa.  (That potty has saved us in so many emergencies!  At the park, at the beach, in store parking lots, and every where in between.  It's amazing what becomes normal to you!)  We did get a chance to squeeze down to the water with the kids so they could "have toes in the big water." :)  We didn't stay on the beach long, because there were so many people, we could hardly move.   Walking down the Pier was interesting with 3 little kids.  We didn't have a stroller, or leashes (which would have been the most appropriate:)  so the kiddos had to walk or be carried.  Yup, it was challenging...especially with all the people milling about.  G and I were pretty tired by the time we got back to the van to head home again.  Thankfully, the kids slept part of the way home, and we enjoyed the small window of quietness. 
   Sunday was pretty sad for me.  We went to the little Baptist church one last time as a family.  I enjoyed worshiping there for the last 6 weeks, and was sad to have to say goodbye to the friends we made and the church that I grew to love.  That little church will always be a part of my heart, and I hope that some day the Lord will provide a way for us to come back to visit. 
  Later, for supper, we had 3 of G's friends over to share spaghetti with us.  They stayed until 2 am, and we spent those hours laughing, telling stories, learning more about each other, and making a crazy Burger King run at 1:00.  It was fun to have that time with people from other areas of the country; South Carolina, Montana, and Louisiana.  Who would've thought that we would've ever been out in Southern Cali close to LA, spending time with new friends in the military from all corners of the country?
   After a late and lazy morning on Monday, we headed to a beautiful beach about 20 minutes away from us.  It was a beautiful and sunny day, and we spent our time with our feet in the path of the waves.  There was a HUGE sand hill/mountain by the beach.  I wanted to take some pictures from the top, so with my camera on my back, up I climbed.  About half-way up, I sat down and turned around to see how far I had gone.  The hill was steep, and I suddenly had fear wash over me.  "Hope I don't lose my balance and roll all the way down..." I thought.  I turned back around to face the top, and with determination, I pushed through my fear and kept going.  Several minutes later, I was out of breath, thirsty, but satisfied that I accomplished my goal and faced my fears.  The view was stunning!  I could see G and the kids, and miles of ocean stretching out before them.  What a blessing it was to behold that beauty!
   When we were ready to leave, we were stuck in a long stretch of cars that weren't moving.  After several minutes of being stopped and speculating that an accident was the cause, we learned from a bicycler that there was a motorcycle accident that resulted in a man dying.  How sad.  :(  We were only a mile away from it, and it made me so sad.  Some one's life ended there, on that beautiful drive tucked between the mountains and the ocean.  I thought of this man I never knew and his family that I would never meet, and I was grieved by their loss.  I was once again reminded of the frailty of our lives here, and the ultimate control that the Lord has over all things.  He is the One who orchestrates all events, and His timing is perfect and predetermined...and no accident.  I looked over at G, held his hand a little tighter, and thanked the Lord for His protection over us and for being our Mighty God who is our constant Sustainer, Rock, and Shield, and our SALVATION when He calls us home to Himself. 

Lazy Cali Days...

(Written June 24)   

   This morning was a lazy morning. The kids and I didn't wake up until 9, and we spent the next 2 hours eating cereal and crackers, and watching cartoons together. There was a part of me that felt like a kid again, and it was nice to momentarily forget that I was the parent, the responcible one. It also made me smile to be sitting with my 3 kids, my beautiful blessings, and to be snuggled with my youngest in her favorite blankie.
    When 11 rolled around, I figured that I should get ready for the day, and bring the kids to the park for a while so they could run around and enjoy some fresh air. At the park, there were 2 girls playing, and their grand parents chatting and watching them from the nearest bench. C, walked right up to the elderly couple and said, "Hi!" and then proceeded to tell them her first and middle name, and the names of my other 2 kids. I was warmed by C's kindness, and her lack of fear for the strangers. I also smiled, because I am constantly amazed that she is never judgemental or discriminates based on a person's age, color, or size. I good lesson that I need to be reminded of for myself and my own reactions to people.
    After I started pushing the kids on the swings, the elderly lady started talking to me. I have really enjoyed talking to strangers on the base, because for 1) I like to try to be social and make some connections 2)every one has such interesting and different stories, and 3) every one on base is connected to the military in some way, and it's nice to have that in common. Turns out this elderly couple is visiting their daughter and her family. This old lady was very proud of her daughter and son-in-law, and for the next 1/2 hour I was priviledged to hear the abridged version of their lives and the adventures that they have had. What a beautiful story of love, adventure, and commitment to family. This family has lived in Florida, Alaska, California, and Sicily following where the Navy and Air Force have led them. The wife has always been a stay-at-home mom, and has also home school her 5 kids along the way. The husband was a hard worker, and recieved his college degree and masters while in the military. We also talked about the beauty and importance of a strong and committed marriage. (She has been married to her husband for 57 years!) So with in an hour, she went from being a stranger, to a fun laday to talk to who has a big story to tell, and wisdom to share. I went back to our apartment smiling and thanking the Lord for His timing, and the many different people and different backgrounds that I've encountered on this journey.

(Written June 29)

   I am looking at the remaining time that I have here.  One week and two days left.  That's all the time that we have left together as a family before we face another 8 week stretch of separation.  I am sad because I don't want to leave.  I love it here!  I love living on base and experiencing the military life.  I love the weather, the lack of humidity and bugs, and I love having the freedom to go to the ocean.  I love being here with G.  The kids love being with him and picking him up from "work" every day.  Life is almost normal here, and I'm not ready to pack up and leave this all behind.  

    As much as I want to stay until G is done with training, I know that that's not possible.  I've been able to be here for 6 weeks, and I am over joyed that the Lord provided this time for us to be together.  I have no choice but to say good-bye to the life here, pack up myself and the kids, and only have the pictures left to remind myself of this chapter in our lives...the crazy chapter where my 3 munchkins and I drove across half the country, spent more money than I'm willing to admit to, and lived in an Inn and an apartment for 6 weeks...to be with the man that I love. :)

   Until I actually drive away, I'm going to try to enjoy every remaining minute, every ray of Cali sunshine, every splash of ocean water,  every grain of beach sand in my clothes, every drive to and from G's squadron to pick him up, every temper tantrum (by the kids...not me:), and of course every smile, laugh, and kiss between me, G, and the kids. :)

   Today I washed the van and saw another perk of living on the base.  For $2.50, I got 10 minutes to wash the van. :)  I wasn't used to that long of time, so I ended up leaving with 1.5 minutes left of running water.  (I know, I know...my Dutch-ness was screaming at me to use every drop that I paid for, but the kids were already fighting in the van.)  Wahoo!  Got to celebrate the little things! :)

Hippie Van with toys glued all over it

On the pier at Santa Barbara

Me and my Best Girl Friend...and driving buddy! :)

   I took the kiddos with me to get another week's worth of groceries.  *Phew* What a challenge!  Thankfully, I was able to use a cart that was like a car, and I crammed all 3 kids in the child part of the cart.  There they were.  My 3 little ducks in a row. :)  I sure got a lot of looks...like I usually do when I'm with the kids by myself.  The 2 most common comments that I've received here concerning the kids is, "Are they twins?" (referring to R & J) And, "Are they ALL yours?!?"  I love that one!  It always makes me laugh!  Yes, they are all mine, even though they don't look like each other. :)  

 

  As some of you might think, I have not fallen into the pit of complete insanity. I have been unable to write because I have limited internet access where we are living now. Two weeks ago, we moved out of the tiny Inn, and are now living in an apartment on base. I have been enjoying a normal sized kitchen that includes real appliances! It is enjoyable to cook again! We also now have 2 bedrooms, and our own washer and dryer. What a luxury! The Inn served us well for the time, but I am so glad to be in a more normal housing space.
  Our days have not been filled with too much excitement. I take the kids to the park a couple times a day so they can run off some energy. We went to the beach a couple times this week. Other Californians must think it's good beach weather, too, because the sands have been populated by many swimmers, sun tanners, runners, bikers, walkers, and lazy 'life-enjoyers.' It is so refreshing to relax by the ocean. I love watching the ever-flowing waves, and hearing the constant movement of the mighty waters. It puts my heart at peace to know that My God is the One who created those powerful waves, and He is the One who is ever sustaining me and my life. What an Awesome God! There is no other way to say it.

"He only is my rock and my salvation;

He is my defence; I shall not be moved.

In God is my salvation and my glory:

The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

Trust in Him at all times; ye people,

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

~Psalm 62:6-8

  Our Lord has been so gracious to me and my family, and I am overwelmed with awe by His constant provisions and Faithfulness to us. Every day, there is something that He does that reminds me that He is in control and is always tenderly leading us.
  We have been attending a Baptist Church since I've been here, and we have weekly been blessed through the faithful preaching and Godly fellowship. This also, has been the work of God's hands. I will be sad to leave this little God-fearing congregation and the friends that we have made along the way, but I am thankful that this was in God's plan for us while we were here.

  I have quickly become popular among G's friends for my cooking. :) Now, I certainly don't think that I'm the best cook out there, but I'm also not the worst. I have been enjoying making some of G's favorite dishes and desserts for him to finally eat again. We have been having some of his friends over for supper, and it has been fun hearing and seeing the reactions to these poor, single guys who haven't had a home cooked meal in several months. :) Tonight, we will be having lasagna (2 pans) and peach dessert, 2 of G's favorite foods, and will be sharing it with 3 of his friends. I'm glad that I can help put a little bright spot in these guys' days.

Getting Settled...

  I've been trying to make life here as "normal" as possible.  It's been a challenge, and has definitely been trying my patience.  I keep looking at this time as an adventure, which it is, and try to stay as upbeat as possible, and enjoy all the moments. 
  So, since we've been here, we've been staying at the Inn on the base.  It's a nice place, but definitely lacking in the "kid friendly" area.  The room we started out in was very small, and we were sharing a bathroom with the room next to us.  Inconvenient, yes, but it was only $28 per night...something I could afford.  Thankfully, we didn't have to deal with any one living in the room next to us until we had been here a week. 
  I had been outside when I saw our new neighbor moving in.  It was an older woman, probably in her 70's.  As i observed her, I thought to myself that she would either be very sweet, or that she would be hard to please and dislike kids.  So playing on the side of caution, I tried to keep the kids extra quiet (which I failed miserably at) and I tried to clean up my half of the bathroom.  With in 2 hours, I got a call from the front desk.  A complaint had already been made against us.  Hmmm...I wonder who it came from.  After supper, I hurried the kids out the door, so I could take them to the park for them to wear off their energy and noise.  When we returned an hour later, I had good reason to believe that our neighbor was already trying to sleep...at 8pm.  Uggg...how was I supposed to keep my munchkins quiet for another 1-2 hours??  Things went fairly well (from my perspective) until we were in the bathroom and my son, R, started pounding on her bathroom door and yelling, "Hello?? Leah, are you awake?"  I was horrified!!  And then, he grabbed her toothbrush case off the counter (it was too pretty of a color to resist) opened it, and her toothbrush fell on the not-so-clean floor.  AHHH!!  I wanted to scream!!  Could the kids do anything more to help us get kicked out?  Sure enough, with in an hour, the front desk called and said we needed to move to a different room...and it was already 9:30 at night.  Uggg!  So there we were.  The kids were already in their jammies, and we quickly tried to throw all our stuff together so we could move to a room about 12 doors down.  Not exactly how I wanted to spend my night, but really, I was surprised we made it as long as we did. :)  So, apparently, 1 adult and 3 kids do not work well in a room meant for single people.  And, we were considered a fire hazard, or at least that's what the final straw was for us needing to move. 
  So now we are cozy in our new room, and I'm finding that I need to continue to be creative.  Not artsy creative...I mean just creative for our day to day, hour to hour living.  I do not have a kitchen.  All I have is a microwave and a tiny dorm fridge.  Yeah, preparing any food for 4 people is definitely a challenge.  I think I should make a cookbook called, "What you can, and definitely can NOT make in a microwave"  Written by: Slowing losing her Sanity Sarah.  I really do think it will be a best seller.  :)

Eating Spaghetti at the "new table."

  Have you ever seen the info commercial for the "Pasta Boat"?  Yes, I gave in a bought it from Wal-Mart 4 months ago.  Let me tell you, it has truly been a life saver for our meals.  I've made spaghetti with peppers and onions, tuna helper, hamburger helper, rice and noodle packages, steamed potatoes and carrots, and that's only the tip of this cooking ice burg.  After I struggle to make a meal in my Past Boat, I then have to clean it in the bathroom in the shower.  Ahh, yes.  I miss having a real kitchen.  Well, mark it up to memories and experiences. :) 
  Along with not having a kitchen, we don't have a table.  So, our new table is a towel on the floor that me and the kids all huddle around.  The nice thing about it, is I can roll up the "table" when we're done eating, and shake it out outside.  Hey, there's gotta' be a positive side to everything, right? :)

At Port Hueneme Beach

  So, other than the above inconveniences, I really do like it here.  It is gorgeous!  The mountains are to the north of us, and the ocean is a 5 minute drive to the south.  The temperature is quite mild.  I don't think it's been hotter than 70 since I've been here, there is no humidity, and no bugs!  Quite nice, and easy to adjust to. :)

Roadtrip in Pictures

Utah!

I packed a casserole from home, and we heated it up and ate it at a gas station in Utah.  It was cheap, easy, and nerdy! :)

Kids eating dinner at a gas station.  Good 'ol family vacation! :)

Beautiful Western Colorado.

Our stop in the middle of Nowhere Utah to clean up the "mess" in the van...:S

Utah!!  Beautiful country!

Kids at the Excalibur in Vegas.  My 3 little ducks in a row. :)

Didn't go through it, but got close!

Miss Jayden seeing Daddy for the first time in 14 weeks.  Sweet reunion! :)

Rockies in Colorado.  On day 2 of driving, we went from 52 degrees in Colorado, to 84 in Utah.  Crazy!

Tunnel through the mountain.

All tuckered out from the trip.  They all took 2 naps each day...at the same time!!  They were great...all things considered...:)

It was awesome to finally say, "Kids!  There's Daddy!!!"

Daddy with his son :)

ROAD TRIP!!

  Yes, I know.  It's been weeks since I last wrote.  Life has been busy, and chaotic, and I've been trying to get my life in Iowa in order, so I could freely move to my life in California.  For those of you who didn't already know, G and I decided for me to pack up my life for a while, and take the kids clear down to Southern California to spend some time together as a family.  We plan on staying in CA for about 6 weeks.
  So, after weeks of planning, praying, and packing, my 3 kids, my best girl friend, and I crammed ourselves and our "lives" into our van, and started the long, slow trip to CA.  Quite honestly, I was really excited about the road trip.  I've never driven beyond Denver, and I was excited to see what the country looked like past my little bubble.
  The first day (Wednesday) we left at 7:30am.  I didn't shed any tears as we drove away from my home and state.  I was filled with excitement for the trip, and eagerness to see G again. The kids were great in the van, and with in 2 hours, they were all fast asleep, lulled by the constant rain on the windows.  We passed through flat Nebraska, and for the first time in my life, I was able to see the beauty of the flat, dry state.  We really started getting excited when we made it to Colorado.  That's when things really started to feel real, and we were really leaving our comfort area.  The land started to change, and we quickly got used to the beauty and greatness of the mountains. 
  We arrived at our Windsor, CO for our first night, and spent some great time with friends of our family.  It was a fairly short night of rest, and we were up again early the next morning.  Our goal for our second day of traveling?  VEGAS!!  It was a big goal, and meant about 12-13 hours of traveling.  Sounds alot more do-able when you don't have 3 kids who like to cry, whine, and fight. 
  The first several hours of driving for day two was slow and used a lot of focus.  We were going through the Rocky Mountains, and although they are breath takingly beautiful, they are stressful to drive through.  Accending and deccending mixed with tight curves are just not my idea of easy, peaceful drving.  Thankfully, my Girlfriend didn't mind, and she tackled the mountains like a Champ! :)  
  We crossed the state line for Utah, and were met with more of God's spledor.  I was much drier than Colorado, but it still held amazing landscapes filled with canyons and platueas.  There were still mountains, but they were shaped differently than the Rockies.  There was alot of brush and other crazy looking plants and shrubs.    The worst part of the trip, happened in Utah.  My youngest, J, got car sick, and made a nice big mess on herself and her carseat.  It wouldn't have been so bad if I could've cleaned it up at a rest stop.  No such luck.  We were just at a rest stop, and if you've ever traveled through Utah, you'll understand that they don't have many rest stops, or towns with any services.  So, the only thing we could do, was pull off on an exit ramp, and make the best of the nothing we had.  Let me tell you from first-hand experience: it's difficult to clean up puke when your best tool is wet wipes.  I was able to clean things enough, that we felt we could keep going, although getting the smell out of the van was going to need another bag of tricks...and I knew we wouldn't find that in 'no life' Utah.  (Sorry, Utah.  I don't dislike you, it's just that you weren't helpful when we needed you the most....no hard feelings:)
  We kept on trucking, and passed through the corner of Arizona and Nevada in the dark.  It was quite late, but we still wanted to reach Vegas for the night.  Come on!  Who doesn't want to see Vegas in the dark, with all the lights a-going?  We pushed hard, and with the van full of sleeping kids, we crested the hill before Vegas, and our mouths dropped open in shock of all the lights we saw.  Quite honestly, my first thought was fear.  Yes, I wanted to see the lights, but I had a lot of fear about actually entering "Sin City" at night with my kids in tow. 
  Through my husband's help, encouragement, and guidance, we made it to the South edge of the city, and we parked between The Luxor and The Excalibur.  Deciding on which motel to stay at was the easy part (The Exaclibur).  The hard part was yet to come...waking the kids, and somehow getting them and all our stuff inside and to our room in 1 trip.  A bell man took our luggage, and me and my Girlfriend were left to carry the kids, get checked in, and get up to our room.  So, I'm wasn't trying to be a worry-wart, but how could I not be concerned about being in Vegas at 11:00 at night with 3 little kids with sober and drunk people milling about hoping to strike it rich?  We entered the lobby, and we were hit in the face with a blur of noise, lights, and excitement.  I was wearing a backpack and my purse, and was carrying my little J with her big Blankie, and I was trying to direct my walking son who was very enamored by all the activity.  The casino was huge, and of course they designed it so you would have to walk through the whole casino in order to reach the registration desk.  I would've enjoyed this at a different time, but not the way I was stumbling around with the kids and my last shreds of sanity. 
  While we were waiting in line to register, the couple behind us were trying to talk to my son and tell me how tired he looked.  I tried to be as polite as I could be, but all I wanted to do was roll my eyes, and tell them what a long day we had, and if they weren't planning on helping us, then please just leave us alone.  We got checked in, and trudged once more through the huge casino lugging the kids, aiming to reach our room located on the 8th floor.  When we finally reached our room, I was shaky and not feeling like myself.  The wear of the strain of the day was finally setting in.  An hour later, I was showered and ready to sleep for our 1-night, Vegas experience. 
  The next day we crept out of Vegas, and all we have to show for our stay is pictures.  :)  No gambling, and no alcohol.  We finished driving through Nevada, and fought against strong desert winds.  I was so relieved when we reached California.  Finally, the same state as my husband!  Driving through LA was awful and stressful.  Unfortunately, we did hit some of the rush hour traffic, which stole at least an hour of our time from G. 
  The last hour of our trip, I was constantly on the phone with G.  We were trying to find a good meeting place, and excitedly chatted about how we couldn't believe this was finally happening.  We decided to meet in a parking lot.  I couldn't wait!  We drove up, and all hopped out of the van.  A couple minutes later, I finally spotted G, and he started making his way to us.  He looked like California, wearing a black back-pack, and his military haircut, and sunglasses. 
   After 14 weeks of separation, I could FINALLY say to the kids, "Look!  There's Daddy!!"  The kids ran excitedly towards him, and enveloped him with hugs and kisses.  Our reunion was a sweet one, and it was awesome seeing the kids in their Daddy's arms again.  I immediately felt like my load was lessened.  I wasn't alone anymore, and I could share the responcibilities with G again.  It was great to hug, hold hands, steal a few kisses, and laugh as a family again.  Just being with eachother was enough for me.  We were a Family again! :)  God opened up all the doors for the trip, and blessed us with the protection we needed, and we were finally together again.  Honestly, some of the best minutes that evening, was just sitting next to him with the kids on his lap, knowing that it was real, and he wouldn't be leaving shortly.
   I am so thankful to God's faithfulness to our family, and His care over us for those long 14 weeks.  With out God's strength, we wouldn't have been able to make it a single hour.  I am in awe at my Heavenly Father's Faithfulness, Care, Protection, and Love to our family.  This adventure in Cali has only just begun, and I am certain that the Lord will continue to be faithful to us, and uphold us, just like He has done for the last 14 weeks.  He will provide us with what we need spiritually, emotionally, finacially, and physically.  What an awesome, and Glorious God we serve!

Finally together again!

Here's a look at our time together in Texas.

Almost there...!

Last time together as a family.

   The last few weeks have passed quite quickly for me.  I have had days filled with pure joy, and there have been days laced with sadness, frustrations, and loneliness.  In my weak moments, I have wallowed in my sadness, and let the feelings of "poor me" wash over me.  I have not always been a good mom to my kids, and I haven't always been cheerful and optimistic during this season. 

  One thing that I can say for certain, God has always been faithful to us, even when I have not been faithful to Him.  I gained so much comfort from this passage a few nights ago when I was really missing G, and feeling weak.

"My grace is sufficient for thee:

for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  

Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmaities, 

that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

~II Corinthians 12:9

  In my Bible, the note on this verse says:

"Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity
for the display of Divine Power."

  I love that!  I don't think it could be worded any better.  I have seen firsthand, time and time again, that Christ has given me the strength that I needed to carry on for another day.  He has been blessing me with enough patience to deal with 3 kids for each day, and He has been blessing me with the strength I needed to spend each day as a single parent.  His "grace is sufficient, and His strength has been made perfect through (my) weakness."  I humbly praise the Lord for His faithfulness to us.  I could not have made it through 1 day, except the LORD gave me what I needed.  "His mercies are new every morning.  Great is Thy Faithfulness!"  Slowly, He has been teaching me that I need to continue to rely on Him for everything.  My strength and wisdom is weak and unreliable, but He is my God that "Great things doeth He, which we cannot comprehend." (Job 37:5b)  I know He will lead me, and I know that He will continue to give me what I stand in need of to make it through this earthly journey day by day.

  The  kids have been giving me immense happiness, and numerous smiles.  I finally feel like I'm used to being the only parent, and that they are respecting me like I'm the only parent.  I don't get worked up as quickly as I had a few weeks ago.

The kids wearing "dresses."  Check out C and R's matching bumps on there heads...:S

I love...

...watching C's motherly ways when she pushes my hair back from my face (when I'm crying) and says, "Mommy, ok?"

...hearing the girls talk to each other over the baby monitor when they're supposed to be sleeping.

...the excitement on C's face when she was able to talk to G on the phone, and then very excitedly told her bus driver that she, "Talked to Daddy!"

...R asking me every time we're in the van, "Share Mommy's candy, please."  (It's much harder to say no when he is so polite... :S)

...hearing Miss J count the steps as she walks down them "1, 2, 3, 6, 8, 9, 10!"

...hearing the kids repeat what G says when they watch the videos he made for them before he left.

...sharing bed time prayer with the kids when they always ask to, "Pray for Daddy!"  So we say, "Dear Lord, Please be with Daddy.  Keep Daddy safe, keep Daddy strong.  Bring Daddy home, when he's all done.  We love you, Daddy! Amen!"

...getting letters from G.

...being able to hear G's voice during our short, but precious phone calls.

...knowing that this is the week that I will be in G's arms again! :)

Kids watching Dad's videos that we made before he left.  They love them, and ask for them several times a day. :)

  Yay!!  I am leaving tomorrow for Texas, and I am beyond excited to see G again!!  It has been a long and lonely 8 weeks, but at least we're almost done with the hardest part of training. 

Our last kiss...8 weeks ago from today. :(

Week 5

  Yesterday morning, I woke up happy knowing that I would be getting time away from the kids, and some much needed alone time.  I had my hair and make up done by 10:00am and I anxiously awaited my relief that came at 2:00.  
  I did a little shopping at a second hand store in a near by town.  I then continued my journey to another town about 15 more miles away.  I spent a little time wandering in an Antique store looking for nothing in particular.  The only thing I did find, was loneliness...in every isle, in every corner, in every step and word not spoken.  I didn't have G there to share my thoughts with.  I didn't have my best friend there to walk with and hold my hand.  When I turned to the side, he wasn't there for me to smile at.  He wasn't there with me to make more memories or more inside jokes.   
  I left the Antique store sad and empty.  I drove around town for a while to see different things, and look at big, beautiful, old houses.  I was hoping to feel some happiness, but all I wanted to do was tell G ideas that I came up with for our own house.  To take up a little more time, I went to another store in town that G and I always enjoy stopping at.  We always say to each other, "You never know what you'll find, or what will be on sale." 
  I found some cute zip-up hoodies to try on.  The store was not large or busy, and the only dressing room required a worker to unlock it.  I didn't want to bother anyone, so I just tried the hoodies on over my shirt outside of the dressing room.  As I was admiring how they fit and looking in the mirror, I felt it again...the loneliness...the emptiness.  G was not there to tell me how they looked on me.  He was not there to smile at me and say, "If that's what you want, then we'll get it.  It looks cute on you!"
  In that moment, when I was staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like time stood still and I was the only person there.  The music stopped, and all I could hear was my own breathing and my heart breaking.  I was able to truly say and believe what I've known to be true for the last 10 years.  
   
                                   "Nothing matters but you." 
   
  These things don't matter.  This trip doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what store I'm in, or how much money I spend.  It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in a smelly old gas station watching bugs crawl across the floor, or fine dining in the most expensive restaurant around and being waited on hand and foot.  What matters is who I'm with.  What matters is being with my Best Friend, my Husband.  Money, situations, or places mean nothing if you're not with the person you love.  I can say honestly now, that I would do anything and go to the ends of the earth just to be with the man that I love.  We could be living in a shack in Alaska cold and hungry, or living in our home that we live in now, warm and comfy.  It doesn't matter where, just as long as we're together. 

  I left the store with my 1 item, and I drove toward home.  I did stop for supper at a neighboring town.  I debated whether I should eat alone or not, but reminded myself that I was strong and confident enough to eat alone in public.  So, I took a seat in the furthest corner and faced the windows, and quietly ate my meal.  I couldn't help but think of G and dream about being with him again in 3 weeks.  Once my food was gone, I just sat there looking out the window.  I thought about our good memories, or kids, and our future.  I could feel the emotion creeping up my throat, and I started to cry...silently....by myself....at my corner table.  Oh, how I miss him!  I love him more than I could ever say, and I ache for him. 

  When I had composed myself, I left.  I drove home and picked up the mail before heading into the house.  There, in the middle of the stack, was a hand-written envelope from G.  My heart lurched, and I started to cry and to shake.  I quickly came in the house and found quietness in our bedroom to read the 1st letter in 5 weeks from G.  I cried, laughed, and smiled through all 6 pages of the most beautiful hand writing.  What an amazing feeling!  I felt that connection again, and I felt like I wasn't quite so alone anymore.  

  Parts of his letters:

  "I wish that I could be there to comfort you, but I can't be, so I have to trust in God to give that to you.  Hun, you know that I love you, more than anything.  I want you to stay strong, and lean on He who has never let us down.  I love you more than I can ever say or express to you and I miss you sooooo much!  I can't wait to see you again!  Love, G"
  "I think about you all the time.  I'm so proud of how well you're holding up.  I know that God is giving you the strength and I'm so thankful.  I always knew that you could be strong and how great of a mother and wife that you are.  I think that you needed to see it, too.  I hope that you do.  I'm soooo looking forward to seeing you again!"

Rest...

  I see it has been 2 weeks since I last posted an entry.  I'm not sure why it's been so long.  I have been really busy.  I think a lot of the reason is because I couldn't write about how well I was doing, because I haven't been doing well.  It has been really tough, and each week that goes by seems to be harder and harder.  I didn't want to be honest and write how hard it's been, or how I feel overwhelmed  and exhausted.  I wanted to be the strong one who could survive every day with out any problems.  The truth is, I'm not strong.  I have been struggling every day.  I do feel like I'm drowning.  I'm ok to admit that today, but in a few days that probably won't be the case.
  Last week Sunday I was able to talk to G again.  It was really hard because we only had 15 minutes to talk.  I felt like I had waited the whole week to hear from him and feel uplifted by his voice.  When our 15 minutes were up, and he quickly hung up, I didn't feel uplifted.  Instead, I felt let down and discouraged.  Now, I had to wait another whole week for a phone call...for any contact from him.  How disappointing.
  Last week went decent.  Some days were better than others.  Every day I Miss him more and more.  Every day I Love him more and more.  Every day, my load and responciblity feels heavier and heavier.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep living and raising 3 little kids by myself anymore.  I feel like I'm starting to fail, and that I can't keep up with what life is expecting of me.  I am drained.
  That's why I haven't been writing.  I don't want to be the one who can't keep it together anymore.   
  But.....God is Faithful.  Last night, when I felt like I could take no more, and I didn't know where to turn, I turned to the Lord...again, and found strength and REST in His promises.

 "I have set the LORD always before me; 

because He is at my right hand, 

I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth; 

my flesh also shall REST in Hope.

Thou wilt shew me the path of life; 

in Thy presence is fulness of joy;

at Thy right hand there are pleasures for ever more." 

~Psalm 16:8-9, 11

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 

and I will give you REST.  

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; 

and ye shall find REST unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

~Matthew 11:28-30

"My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee REST."

~Exodus 33:14

   I fell asleep with these promises in my heart.  The Lord will bless me with the strength and Rest that I need and desire.  I just need to humble myself before Him, confess my weaknesses (they are many!), and ask for His help.  I am thankful beyond words that God is Faithful to me, even when I am not faithful to Him.  "Great is Thy Faithfulness!"

   So, for today, I am at peace, and I have the strength I need to carry on for the day.  God's mercies are new every morning. (Lamen. 3:23)

 We Love you, Daddy!  Come home soon!

The Silence is Broken!!

  It finally happened!  After 19 days of silence, G was finally able to contact me!  I feel like I had reached the end of my rope of not hearing anything from G.  Day after disappointing day, there was no mail, and no phone call from G.  Saturday, I was feeling particularly down.  I was really missing him, and wasn't sure how I was going to make another week without hearing from him.  
  I had been hoping to hear from him all day, and I even had my cell phone on me in church so I wouldn't miss a call.  I was getting ready to take a little nap yesterday after noon, and the phone rings.  I held my breath.  Could it really be?!?  I picked up the phone and offered my regular, "Hello, De Jongs."  I heard silence for a few seconds, and then the most glorious sound.  "Hi, Hunny!"
  The next 30 minutes was the best I'd had in the last 3 weeks.  It was filled with smiles, tears, "I love yous" and "I miss yous."  It was completely amazing to hear his voice again after 19 days of silence, and not knowing anything about him or what he was doing.  The call could not have come at a more needed time for both of us.  The last time that I did hear his voice, was on February 15, the night he flew into Texas.  The last thing he said to me was, "I love you, Hunny!"  It has surprised me how many times those 4 words replayed in my head.  It's like I needed to remind myself that he really did love me, and that our marriage was still real, and that he was still real.  
  Now, I feel like a giddy teenager.  It feels like we are dating again, and that we aren't allowed to see each other.  It's kinda' like our count down to see each other again, is like the count down we had until our wedding day.  I feel kinda' silly, but I'm getting all the butterfly feelings again when I think of him, and when I realize that this amazing man loves me back.  I am so in love with this man, and I am so proud of him!  He is my world, and I am proud to be his wife! :)  I am re energised to go on for another week, or however long it takes to hear from him again.  Praise the Lord for our reconnection!  Praise the Lord for His sustaining hand on our family during our separation!  And most of all, Praise the Lord for His Faithfulness to us!
  
   Here are some other things that make me happy :D

The fun dress I bought and plan to wear when I visit G in Texas when he graduates :)

The last text I received from G.  He calls me "Shade of My Heart."  It's a very personal, lovely name he calls me, and it has a deep meaning behind it....that I will keep between G and I :)

Dried plant from outside.  G made the metal "S" with his forge and anvil.  (He loves metal working)

The Decorating I did above our kitchen cabinets.  Most of the decorations have alot of meaning to me.  (Left to right...Decor 1--Metal flowers made by G, and glass bottle found in the attic of our house.  Decor 2--Flowers were my wedding bouquet.  Decor 5--Candle stand from our Unity candle, and wrapping is extra fabric from my wedding dress.  Decor 6--{can't see in this picture} Bobble Head that looks just like G. :)  Decor 7--Picture of G and I taking wedding pictures on our 4 year anniversary.  Decor 8--Ammo wooden box that belonged to G's Grandfather.)

This was my Saturday project!  It now hangs on my wall in our Family room, above pictures of our family. :)  Yay, me!