God does NOT tire

  Today, I was once again disappointed because I didn't hear from G.  I was really hoping that there would be a letter in the mail from him today.  I still haven't heard from him since last Tuesday evening.  It's frustrating not having any contact with your husband for a whole week.  I was able to finally send him some letters.  I've been writing for a week, and this was the 1st day I could send them.  I would love to see his face when he reads them.  It will be his first contact from home.  My goal in the letters is to uplift him, encourage him with my words and God's word, let him know we're ok over here, and assure him that my admiration and love for him has not changed.  Maybe tomorrow I will get a letter from him.  :)

   Tonight, after I had the kids in bed, I did some exercising in our family room.  This is not unusual, because G and I would exercise together frequently the weeks before he left.  I thought it would be good for me to try to focus on something else for a few minutes, and I also want to experience (on a much smaller scale, of coarse) a little bit of the physical challenges G might be going through.  He's being pushed in Texas, so I want to push myself here so we can share those feelings of physical limits and exhaustion.  

   I was on the floor in front of our couch, and had started doing sit-ups.  I was listening to a song that I loved when we were dating.  The words and music brought me back at least 7 years into my past, and I couldn't hold back my tears. 

I remember clearly how you looked The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you somewhere
In my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met

...

  G and I have been together for 10 years.  We've been through alot.  We have so many beautiful memories from when we were dating, until now.  This song brought back alot of those memories, and reminded me of how I ache for him now.  I miss him......I miss him.

  I cannot express it enough how extremely grateful I am to know that Our Heavenly Father is watching over us, and caring for us through every step.  I am weary, and I am exhausted, and I can't do it all.  God is faithful, and He has been holding me up, and blessing me with the strength that I need.

"Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, 

the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary?  

There is no searching of His understanding.  He giveth power to the faint; 

and to them that have no might He increaseth strength."

~Isaiah 40:28-29

  How awesome, and what a privilege to lean upon the Lord who increases my strength when I am weak.  He is the only reason that I have not been completely consumed by loneliness and uncertainty.  With God's help, I know we'll be ok.  Some days are easier than others to say that, but His word assures me of His strength that never wearies, and His promises that do not fail. 

Day by day...

  Well, I've made it through the first week.  I'm glad that I now have 1 week behind me, and I can continue to go forward through this time of separation.  

  The last few days have been hard.  Every day, G doesn't come home from work, he doesn't call, and I don't hear anything from him.  I haven't heard from him since Tuesday night.  I was really hoping that he would be able to call me yesterday, but the day drug by with no word from him.  I was really disappointed.  I would at least like to know how he is and how things are going for him.  Every day, I feel more and more alone.  I don't have my best friend to talk to.  I'm living alone with my husband 18 hours away from me, and he's under total control of the Air Force.  Each day that has gone by is mundane and uneventful.  I am totally exhausted once the kids are in bed.  When I am lying alone in my bed at night, all I can think is that I made it through another day, and that I'm not ready for a new, long day to start over again.  I am overwhelmed and exhausted, and I have no one to share that with. 

  I acknowledge that I am still in survival mode.  I'm doing what I need to be doing each day.  I take care of the kids, hold them when they cry, laugh when they are silly, feed them, and put them to sleep when they are tired.  I clean the house, wash clothes, and pay the bills.  I know what's going on around me, and I know that this is my new reality.  What I haven't done....I haven't let myself really FEEL the emptiness.  I haven't 'mourned' this new loss, yet.  I've only cried a few times, and it was just enough to relieve the pressure.  I can feel my sadness and emotions building, but every time they try to surface, I have pushed them aside so I can be strong.  I don't want to feel the real depth of this.  It's too painful.  It makes me feel too...alone...and powerless.  I don't want to be reminded that I have 52 days left of this.  I miss G so much, and I wish I could have things back to normal.  I don't want to have to be the strong one.....

Our last day

  G and I had a really fun time on Monday.  Despite the circumstances, we were both really happy, and had alot of peace, and I cherish the alone time that we spent together.  

On Monday, my happiness was found in.....

...stopping at our 'usual' gas station so I could buy French Vanilla Cappuccino.

...holding hands with my best friend while we drove and sang to our favorite country songs.

...buying shoes and books for our kids.

...using a gift card that we've had since July to go out to eat at Ruby Tuesdays.

...holding hands across the table when G prayed for our meal and our future.

...sharing a drink with G.

...talking about our future and feelings in the hotel we stayed at.

...embracing each other and exchanging truths and fears with each other.

...kissing and saying "I love you!" a hundred times over.

...staring into the eyes of the man that holds my heart.

...knowing that our love and strength will only deepen in our time away.

...sleeping next to my best friend.

...assurance that God is with us, and He will hold us both up.

  I startled awake at 5 in the morning, yesterday.  The wind was howling and my mind was filled with all that would be happening in a few short hours.  I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, so instead, I prayed to the Lord and sang hymns in my head.  I asked God for strength and peace for the day, and week the come.  

  At 8:00, G and I were at his air base and we were handed papers filled with information and we were briefed on what would be taking place for the next 6 months.  That's when it started feeling real.  G was given instructions and advice, and I was given contact numbers for people that could help me while he's gone.  

  I kept looking at the clock and calculating how much time I had left with him.  1 hour and 30 minutes.  How do I spend that time with him?  We had our families around us, and I wasn't the only one who wanted to say good-bye.

  As we drove to the airport, my stomach started to knot up.  This is it.  This is where we have to say good-bye.  We will both go into the airport, but I will be leaving with out him.  

  We all stayed in the waiting area just before the security check point.  I sat next to G and tried to stay calm.  I leaned over and asked, "How long before you will be leaving me?"

"Fifteen minutes."

  That's it?!?  That's all I have left?  How can I tell you how much I love you in 15 minutes?  I wanted to hold his hands.  I wanted to look into his eyes.  I wanted to let him hold me in his arms.  Fifteen  minutes, that's all we had left.  I wouldn't be seeing him for 8 weeks, and all I had was 15 minutes.

  We stood up and held each other.  We were both crying and we were looking at each other.  I felt so much sadness, so much pain, and I could see the pain in his eyes.

  "G, you are my world.  I love you so much and I'm going to miss you like crazy."

  We kissed for the last time, and then we had to let go.  I followed him as far as I could.  I was crying and wanted nothing more than to follow him and be with him.  I watched him from a distance, and when he turned around for the last time, I put both of my arms in the air, and showed him our "I love you" sign.  He signed it back, and then he turned and left.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

  Last night I went to bed knowing that when I woke up this morning, it would be my last Sunday with G for the next 6 months.  I knew that today would be hard, and so I had been praying for strength and peace to go through today.  

  When my alarm went off this morning, I was groggy, but there were clear words to a song that immediately came to my mind.

  "Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father....

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not......

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow......

Great is Thy faithfulness!  Great is Thy faithfulness! ...... 

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.  Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

G made me these flowers when he was in college.  Undying....just like our love for each other.

  How could I not look forward to a day that started with words of comfort from my Heavenly Father?  I prayed for peace and strength for the day, and God blessed me with both.  He even went a step further, and reminded me of His faithfulness and compassion to me.  God is unfathomably AWEsome!  He has always been faithful to our family, and He has always provided.  I know that He won't stop caring for us or leading us now.

  My day today was surprisingly good.  Our Pastor had an amazing sermon this morning that I thought was applicable to our situation.  One of the many things I learned from his sermon, is that God specifically chooses trials for specific people, and that through our trials, our faith is strengthened, and we are saved. 

  The rest of the day was filled with food, family, and good byes.  I even surprised myself by not crying all day.  I'm sad, but I think my emotions are in survival mode.  I can feel, but I'm not letting myself dive in to the depth of loneliness and sadness that is sure to come.  I want to be strong now for myself, for G, and for my kids.  I'll do enough crying on Monday and Tuesday morning. 

  We ended the day by feeding the kids, giggling together, and giving lots of hugs and kisses.  The best part was lying in bed after church with G and 3 naked-tummy little kids!  We all were pretending to sleep, and then we would pop our heads up and be "awake" and giggle.  :)  Fun, and silly memories!

My 4 favorite people :)

   The day is almost over, and tomorrow is about here, and we're one day closer to our separation.  Our plan for the rest of the night will be taking videos of G for me and the kids to watch.  I'm sure there will also be lots of talking, snuggling, and maybe some tears between us.

   God is good, and He promises to bless us with strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow.  For that, I am thankful and comforted.  Lord, please uphold me as I say good bye to my best friend...

10 Days Left...

  What a busy week it's been!  I'm glad it's over.  I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  G is leaving in 10 days, and that fact has been heavily weighing on my mind every minute of every day.  I don't want to believe that we are this close to saying 'good bye' to each other.  I can count the days on my fingers, and that scares me.  It's no longer in the distance, it's no longer x amount of months aways.  10...10...10.  It's such a low number that my little C can even count to 10.  
  I went to get groceries this week.  Such a common, predictable thing for me to do.  Every 2 weeks, I buy groceries to get us through the next 14 days. A lot of planning and thinking goes into this process.  What do our schedules look like for the next 2 weeks?  What meals do my kids eat?  What meals does G like?  Is this meal nutritious enough?  Will this meal be quick enough for this day? etc. etc.  I went by myself, as I often do, on Wednesday evening.  I usually really enjoy my time gone and alone.  G has been staying home with the kids, and my alone time is important.  This time, it was very sad.  I had to keep reminding myself that this will be the last time I need to buy groceries with G in mind for the next 6 months.  How sad!  I love buying foods that I know he enjoys.  I always buy him a few things that he requests to make him happy.  I just tell myself it's the least I can do.  He spends 10 hours a days at works so that I can stay home with our kids.  He deserves a little spoiling.  So, while I grabbed the green olives from the shelf (his favorite) I couldn't help thinking to myself, "He better eat these all before he leaves, because I hate green olives!"  Ahh, yes.  I might end up buying more, just to remember him by them.

   I had to buy him travel sized soap, DO, toothpaste, and such things.  We've had to buy these things before, but I was always going with him.  Now, I'm buying him the things he needs for his journey, but I won't be by his side.  He has to go alone.  That's not right.  That's not how it's supposed to be.  This will be my new 'normal.'  My new normal will be by myself.  We'll be going through the same journey, but at different places, and separate from each other.  

  This is so hard.  This will be the hardest and longest trial that I've ever had to go through.  I'm not happy about it.  I'm scared and uncertain.  I don't know how I will be from day to day, and I don't know how I will cope.  This is not what I wanted.  I don't want my husband and best friend to leave me.  The times that I will be needing him the most, he won't be there.  The only person in the world who I want by my side won't be there to hold my hand and help me through.

  God is faithful.  God has been faithful to me before and I am certain that He will be faithful to us through this time of change.  My thoughts, feelings, looks, and locations change.  G's will all change, too.  Our lives are changing and so is our marriage.  But what comfort it is to know that the God who made me, G and planned our lives and events from all eternity, does        not        change.  God is faithful to His children and His promises and I am certain that He will be upholding us every step of the way.  When I fall, He is there.  When I cry, He is there.  When I am angry and alone, He is there holding me and giving me the strength to go on.

   10 days.  This is what the last 6 months of anticipation has all boiled down to.  I can't do much in 10 days.  I can't stare at him any more than I already have been.  I can't be by him enough.  I don't know what I can do in 10 days to make him remember me any differently.  No matter what we do or say in 10 days, it doesn't really matter.  I know what he's thinking and feeling, and he knows what I'm thinking and feeling.  It won't stop him leaving, and it doesn't change the fact that memories and faces all start to fade in time.  I'm trying to make the best of these last days, but it's hard.  My emotions are every where and most days I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
  These last 10 days will be a far cry from bliss.  But, they will be 10 days of love, laughter, smiles, and embraces.  I will do my best to assure him that my love for him has not changed.  We will laugh, and I'm sure we will cry.  We will hold each other and pray for each other.  We will be forced to let go of each other, but we will also place each other in God's faithful hands.  May God bless us with strength, trust, and peace as we start to say good bye to each other. 
 

How do I love you?

  I was reading a book to my kids the other day, and I found myself deep in thought about it after the book was done.  It was such a simple book, with simple words, but it really touched me.  Here are some of the pages in the book.

How do I love you? Let me count the ways.  I love you on your very best...and very worst of days.  

I love to see you laughing.  I love to hear you singing.  I love to see you smile.  

I'm happy when you're happy, and I'm sorry when you're sad.  And even though it may not show, I love you when you're bad.  

I love to see you deep in thought.  I love to watch you play.  

And thought I'm sure you'll never know, I love you more each day.  

How do I love you?  It's impossible to say.

For if I had a million days, and time enough for all the praise, I couldn't tell you all the ways...I love you.

  So full of truth.  The first time I read that book, I teared us when I was at the last page.  I can honestly say that I love my kids and husband just like the book explains.  Through good and bad, silly or serious, easy or difficult situations, my love for them does not stop or change.  I never thought I would be able to love this much.  Becoming a wife and a mother has deepened my heart and showed me that these people mean the most to me. 

  What strikes me the most about this, is I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that this is how my Heavenly Father loves me.  I tried to read this book like it was God talking to me.  It was hard to do.  I know He loves me, but as long as I'm on this earth, I will never be able to fathom the depth of His love for me.  I know that I love my kids and husband through all situations and the same (or more :) every day, but I can hardly believe that My Father feels this way about me.  What a humbling thought!  It certainly takes faith to believe this. 

  I am so glad that God gives us this love and lets us share it with other people.  What an awesome emotion to feel, give and live!

How do I love you?  It's impossible to say.

For if I had a million days, and time enough for all the praise, I couldn't tell you all the ways...I love you.