So, life back in Iowa has been interesting. It was easy to adjust back to my normal schedule, and I love being in my own house and space again. The difficult part has been how much I miss California and what I had there. I miss the beaches, the mild weather, the little church, the friends, the smell in the air...and most of all, the reason I was there in the first place...Grant. If I could, I would quickly exchange the corn fields for the beaches and ocean, and I would exchange seeing my family and friends for being with my Husband. 'Home' is not home right now. There is so much missing here. The house is still quiet when the kids are in bed for the night, my big bed is still empty, I'm still putting the kids to bed alone, meal times are still a struggle and I still either play music or get up constantly so I don't just sit there missing him, his white car still does not come down the driveway at 6, his voice and laughter are still nowhere to be found here, his boots aren't laying around, his clothes aren't scattered around in the bathroom, his smell and his touches...are gone. This is my house...but it is not a home right now.
I have continued to have a smooth schedule and a good handle on day to day activities. The kids are fed, safe, and go to bed on time. What I'm struggling with now, is just trying to keep my head above water. Burned out doesn't even being to describe how I feel. Overwhelmed, overloaded, mentally exhausted and drained, alone...that's more like it. I just can't handle this any more. I'm ready to snap...but I still have 2 more weeks to muddle through.
Two weeks...that's all I have left. I don't hardly dare let myself believe it, because it feels like it couldn't possibly be true. Grant has been gone for so long, it feels like a terribly mean trick to tell me I will get to have him all to myself in only 2 weeks. There will be alot of adjustments, I'm sure. I'm not sure if I'm ready for him to be in my "space" again. This has been my little Kingdom where I have had all the control for the last 6.5 months, and I know it will take a little while for me to step down from being the top dog. It's crazy, because even though I miss him fiercely and can't wait for him to be here, there is a little part in my head that says, "Wait! I'm not ready yet! There is so much more that I wanted to accomplish while he was gone...." Now, this doesn't make sense at all, because in reality, do I really think Grant will care that I didn't paint more, or decorate a little more thoroughly, or keep the house a little cleaner? I think I just wanted to accomplish more so I could show him that I was ok enough while he was gone for me to tackle extra projects. But, the truth is, I haven't been ok. I haven't had motivation to paint, or even to cook most days. In the mornings I lay in bed dreading another day to start again. I say in my head, "No, I'm not ready to get up! I'm not ready to face the kids again and deal with the screaming, fighting, and tantrums. I'm not ready to trudge through another day and go through the motions while my mind is a thousand miles away and 2 years in the future...." But, every day I get up, get the kids and start my daily routine all over again. What makes me happy is to have the kids in bed at night, to breathe a huge sigh of relief, and to sit in the quiet while I mark off another day on my calendar.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Make sure you take up EVERY offer anyone gives you for a break. Take every opportunity given to you because it's so important to stay sane so that you can continue to be a good mommy. Take it from someone who knows, it may be difficult when he comes back to find a new routine, but be patient and prepare yourself now for chaos. Be ok with it. Welcome it, be patient, and give it time for things to smooth out again. Let me know if there's anything I can help with, but in the meantime I am praying for you, Grant and the kids:) Love you hun!
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